When the Romance Dies…
July 21, 2009
When the Romance dies…
What happens when the romance dies, do we continue to live a life of discontentment or does it grow into another phase of love? Is it OK to “settle” and just make the best of it?
Romance is a gift and it must be treated like one. But for some of us, it simply disappears. This is not to say that it can’t be rekindled but what do you do when it’s gone? Perhaps the first step is to determine why the romance died. Money issues? Disagreement over parenting styles? Stress at work?
Perhaps the number one reason romance dies is anger, particularly anger held within. That, along with not being able to forgive and forget, creates a volatile atmosphere and romance is usually the first casualty. Sometimes the distance between you and your loved one is too great and the relationship is doomed. And failed attempts at getting back together only make matters worse.
Some people are simply not the romantic type. That’s OK if the one they are with is the same way. Problems arise when one looks at life in a romantic way while the other has much more matter of fact view about things. When you feel that romance is the best of what life has to offer and your partner thinks it’s silly, it might be best to part ways.
On the other hand, maybe it’s best to stay in the relationship when the romance is and try to make the best of it. The question of whether you should to “settle” and continue in the relationship, however empty can only be answered by you. Take a good look at the situation. Maybe you are disappointed with your partner but hate to be alone. Or maybe you’re convinced you’ll never find someone else, even though the one you are with is nothing more than a companion. Maybe you still have faith in the fact that the romance will return. These are important things to ponder.
Resist the Urge to Remind
July 21, 2009
Resist the Urge to Remind
Well, I remember when……… many betrayed spouses have found it easy in anger to throw up the infidelity during every future spat. You have been hurt and you so want to hurt back, all rational goes out the window and the argument spirals out of control and the cycle goes around. Yes, you were severely wronged by the one who was unfaithful, but at some point the blame shifts to you if you are constantly throwing it up in your partner’s face. You stay because you want to work it out. Constantly reminding your partner of his or her transgression is not helpful to working it out. The pain will be there for a long time, when this occurs find a way to learn to fight if need be. Have a code word, or a cool off period; remember we cannot take back what has been said.
Also little ears maybe listening, this is not for the children to be hearing; they absorb like sponges, they hurt without saying and they learn to blame and may hold resentment towards parents for being hurtful to each other.
Find Ways to Talk About It
Don’t mistake the advice above to mean that the affair should never be discussed. There will likely be questions to be answered and feelings to be discussed. Sometimes the partner needs to know all of the details, for some it gives them answers; they want to know why, was it something they did? The details can be upsetting, but if there is a strong need, give answers in the most tactful way possible.
Talk about this at a certain time, make sure you are both calm and it is an appropriate place and time for the conversations. That will allow for the needed discussions while allowing both partners to interact and discuss the matter at hand. This will also allow conversations to happen at other times without wondering if the next word is going to be about the affair.
Believe it or not, you CAN get through infidelity with your relationship intact. It’s not easy, and it takes hard work from both partners. If you are both committed, however, you can come through this fiery trial with a relationship that is stronger than ever.
Resist the Urge to Remind
Keeping it Real(istic)
July 21, 2009
Keeping it Real(istic)
There is nothing as exciting as all of the emotions that go along with a new relationship. Moments such as the first kiss and the first time you say (and hear) the words “I love you” can bring feelings of euphoria that are hard to match. Another feature of a new relationship is that both parties tend to be on their very best behavior. They are showing the other person only the very parts of themselves. It’s natural, and everyone does it. The problem is that some people fall into the trap of believing that the relationship is always going to be as exciting and magical as it is at the beginning.
If you ask anyone who has been married for any length of time, they will likely tell you that is not the case. Instead, the best behavior morphs into every day behavior. Socks are left on the floor, you realize that your partner is a total grump in the morning, a birthday may be forgotten. Instead of being surprised when your partner shows his or her human side, expect it. It’s going to happen.
If you expect your partner to be human, with the flaws and shortcomings that each of us has, then when it happens (and it will happen often!) you’ll be able to look at it for what it is instead of taking it personally.
Even though that person may be the perfect person for you, they will still have bad days and make mistakes. When that happens, don’t let it come between you. Learn to laugh off the small problems and work together to heal and repair the bigger ones. When your partner does something that you don’t like, ask yourself how you would want to be treated if the shoe were on the other foot. It’s a guarantee that you are or will also do things that your partner doesn’t like. Would you want to be harshly judged for those actions, or would you want your partner to be understanding towards you?
By not having impossible expectations for your partner will let him or her know that it’s ok to just be themselves. They won’t feel pressure to perform up to a set of standards that anyone would have trouble reaching. Instead, they will know that in your presence is the one place in the world where it is ok to just be who they are, flaws and all. Over time, this will only make them love you more. Keep your expectations of your partner realistic, and ask your partner to do the same for you. Remember, it’s impossible to live up to the image of the perfect man or woman for very long.
Forgiveness?
July 21, 2009
Forgiveness?
This is easier said than done, and it will not happen overnight. However, it should be a goal to work on if you really want to make it work. The alternative is to stay in a relationship in which you have perpetual feelings of anger and bitterness toward your partner, not to mention the constant mistrust.
That is not good for either of you. If you have a religious or supportive affiliation, consider talking to someone or get counseling, this is something where you really need a mediator. The truth is that whether you stay in the relationship or not, you need to forgive, and that might mean forgiving yourself as there is often the feeling of blame or guilt, what did I do wrong? That is human nature, why do we have to beat the heck out of ourselves even when it was not us. Failing to do so will only hurt yourself as you have to live with the never ending pain and bitterness.
Taking the Good with the Bad: Relationships That POP!
July 21, 2009
Are you in the perfect relationship? Are you struggling to keep it together?
These two basic questions are asked by every loving couple. Is there such a thing as a perfect relationship?
Relationships are like Popcorn. There’s a measured amount that goes into the pot, as the heat begins to rise, and the oil heats up the kernels start to pop! Very shortly thereafter, more start popping! Soon the whole kettle is full of freshly popped corn! Hmmm smells great!
As you take those first few bites (first dates), the popcorn almost melts in your mouth, and the flavors blend with the butter and salt (newness and freshness). But as you get deeper into the bucket (time together), the kernels get smaller and the nice ones are harder to find (that special feeling) and before you know it you bite down on an uncooked kernel and it feels like you bit into a rock! Reality!
So my question for you today is; has your relationship popped to perfection or failed to pop at all?
Let’s look at 5 things that should be considered positive signs it’s working, and then 5 signs that it may not be working the way you hoped.
Humans by far are the most complicated mammals on earth. Besides being the only verbal communicating species, we also have the ability to choose our mate on a more selective base then the size of his chest or color of her feathers. Many would argue that we, as a species, have lost our natural instincts when choosing a mate. Animals pick and choose based on the most basic levels of strength, availability, location and time of year. Not just the size of his rack or antlers! The female of some species makes herself available to those who will fight for, sometimes to the death, the right to be with her and reproduce. They respond by instinct, sometimes blindly, to her. Our human courtship has evolved well past this most basic level of courtship, but that’s another whole bucket of buttered kernels to nibble on.
Here are 5 questions to ask yourself and see if you are on the right track in your relationship.
1)Do you wake up in the morning and smile, first thing when you see your partner? T / F
2)You have to tell them “I love you” though you know you did just 5 minutes ago? T / F
3)The day seems to drag on and you can’t wait to get back home, or meet up with, your loved one for a quick coffee during a meal break. T / F
4)The fact that you’re together 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and you still can’t get enough of being with that special person. T / F
5)The romance that sparked the relationship is better today than yesterday. The feelings don’t fade. T/ F
“We are crazy in love”! How many times have you heard that? The movies portray Love that is fast and easy to find and it’s magical. There are those couples who have been together for decades and could never think of being with anyone else. Is it love? Only those living it could tell you.
What about the other side of the coin, or that un-popped kernel? What are the signs you look for to see if you are not doing well in the relationship?
Here are the 5 questions to ask yourself when you are not sure you are on the right track in your relationship.
1)When waking up, you pretend to be asleep and hope they leave the house before you have to get out of bed. T / F
2)When you tell them, “I love you” it’s a chore. When you’re told “I love you” you feel obligated to reply. T /F
3)You dread going home because you don’t want to spend alone time with your partner. T / F
4)You can’t wait for the weekend, so you can go visit family or be with friends and find other reasons to be away from your partner. T / F
5)When the mere mention of romance comes up you will find a way to postpone any physical contact. T / F
Please keep in mind these are general observations and not concrete by any means, every relationship has ups and downs. It’s all part of the cycle we as humans go through. The key is learning to spot the signs and start the communication with that person. There was at some point magic between you and it made your heart rate quicken and your palms get sweaty. It takes effort and communication to make it through the tuff times, that’s when your Loving Couples relationship will be put to the test.
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