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Would You Marry Him Again? Wisdom from a Grandmother
March 5, 2010
Would You Marry Him Again?
As we sat over tea, I asked my Grandmother would you marry him again? I think I was reflecting on my own marriage and the thoughts just came blurting out of my mouth before I could catch them.
After a short pause, I am not sure she said. You know when I was young it was something that was expected, I didn’t have the choices that you young people have today.
I love him, but there was no love at first sight, it was a grow on you type of relationship which came with a lot of obligations, not so much our choice but for the expectation of the family, you know.
I was pregnant, and we either did the “right thing” or I would have to go away and live in the country and have an excuse for my missing husband when I came back.
But he has been a good man, he cared for me looked after the family, is a wonderful father, strong values and many qualities that you would look for if you had to do it all over again. We have our differences, but he loves to dance with me, not many men dance now, that is something I would miss. (more…)
Link to this pageGet Real and Stop Running After the Relationship Myth
March 4, 2010
Get Real and Stop Running After the Relationship Myth
Relationship just does not have one stage. There are many beginning from a crush or infatuation to a mature relationship that involves understanding friendship and a something that is deeper and more secure which is termed as mature love.
When you meet for the first time it is attraction and emotions that completely take over. You are completely involved in an excitement that sways you off your feet. The initial attraction completely takes over and you can’t see sense. You wait endlessly for this person. You call each other many times in a day and every word spoken by that special person has a lot of meaning. You feel as if there is some magic in the other person. You want to spend every breathing minute with that person. You adore everything they say or do and you always wait eagerly for the minute you will meet that person and time seems to fly when that person is around. You find everything they say or do interesting and exciting and you are ready to tolerate everything they do. When you make love it is full of magic and you just don’t want to hold back. You are confident that this person is your soul mate. You are head over heels in love. This is just the beginning of love, but when things get real you will want more from this relationship. Life is all about mundane chores, adjustments and getting on with life. You would like to develop this relationship into something that is deeper and mature something that sustains through life.
It is important that you think about love in realistic terms and not this initial heady crush where everything is rosy. When love becomes mature and where the bond is very strong then the initial infatuation will definitely go. The attraction and spark will remain but it is not going to last forever. The heady intensity can’t be sustained always. Don’t think that just because the initial wild passion is no longer there then your love is over and you don’t love each other any more. If you think like this you will assume that you should now start looking for something new in your life. You may try to recreate the emotional high once again with somebody else. It is time you stop chasing love as it exists in romantic novels and try real love, which is more fulfilling.
Once you get to know your partner try becoming their friend. Friendship is the most solid foundation of love. Remember once the initial magic wears off mature relationship is what you have to build. Being a good friend is necessary when the differences between the relationship starts to show up. You may not agree on anything. You shouldn’t even expect that you will agree on everything. You are two completely different individuals and both are entitled to their view points on everything. If you are friends then you won’t try to change each other rather you will accept each others differences.
Become a good friend of your partner and treat them as you would treat a good friend. When you have arguments with your friends you have fights and then you let go but do the same with your spouse.
Should I Stay or Should I Go?
March 3, 2010
Healing Your Marriage after an Affair
By Ateidi
Have you recently discovered that your spouse is a cheat? Has it left you totally shocked? Do you start doubting yourself and wonder if your marriage can survive that affair? Many marriages have survived affairs and often it has been found that the marriage was better after it. While you may be hurt and may blame your spouse for cheating on you, it may show that all was not right with your relationship. There was something that was missing in the relationship that caused him to stray, not that was the correct way to show it, but as a lack of communication was drawn toward what he thought would fill the void.
One thing that could be the silver lining to the otherwise thick cloud will be the fact that you and your spouse will be able to identify the problems or factosr that lead to the infidelity. You will be able to identify the weak points and the strength in your marriage and what brought tou back together if that is the chosen case.
An affair is a shock and devastating for either partner but it is also an opportunity to examine your relationship. this will give an opportunity to look at this was a failing marriage for sometime and no one wanted to admit it or it will show there is still love after all you have been through. Once you have given time to vent the hurt and anger then it is time to communicate and find out what happened and why and now what needs to be done to grow from this experience.
Communication will have to be done with tact and on a fair playing field. a counsellor may need to be brought in and marriage classes can also work well for some. The relationship won’t get any better if you avoid talking to or seeing each other, avoidance or apathy may have contributed to the breakdown in the forst place. You have to discuss the issues that caused the affair. A heart to heart talk will not just help you look at the problems but will also help you melt the wall of hurt and resentment coupled with fear that you have built around yourself. Even if you decide you cannot stay together the hope is that you will be able to communicate in the future, especially if you have children.
You will need to practice active listening, at times it will be difficult to hold back from venting all your anger and hurt by listening patiently and carefully. Allow your spouse to talk and explain to you why he/she had an affair. When you listen carefully you will also be able to identify the main problem areas of your marriage. Equal opportunity must be shared to sort out what is going on.
If you decide that you are going to make this marriage work, there must be an agreement not to throw the past experience at the person every time there is an argument, you have to look at other factors, has this happened before? Is this person spending time on the Internet chatting to others in an inappropriate manner, in other words, what is considered an online affair, or are there deeper issues, is this person a sex addict, which is a very serious problem and much larger than most people are aware of. So dig deep there are many factors that can be a possibility to be addressed.
If this is a one off situation and you are willing to try again, take baby steps, make the effort to go on date nights, do the things together that were missing form the relationship. Sex may be difficult for a while until the trust is rebuilt and that is ok, it has to be when you are ready, it is unlikely things will return exactly where they were. They may not be able to be repaired or things may be better than ever with a new appreciation for the partners and a new love and appreciation to grow. I have heard from many people that people have had much stronger and better marriages after an affair as there is more honesty and awareness from both parties. But be prepared for change either way, hopefully for the better. here is often much at stake and you have to decide what is worth it, so be honest with yourself. If you do not think you can recover form this honestly after time, then don;t stay to suit others or to save face and embarrassment. You only have one life to live that we know of and you deserve the best.
Making Love After Having A Baby
February 26, 2010
Making Love After Having A Baby
Honesty is no doubt an integral part of living a fulfilled, accomplished and moral life. The concepts behind honesty are one of the first things that children are taught and honesty is encouraged in just about every venue of life. Thomas Jefferson said “honesty is the first chapter in the book of wisdom.” The trouble with honesty is that in raw form it is a search for the truth; and the truth is different for every living person.
When it comes to being honest with you spouse certainly it is an important part of marriage. But there is honesty in the moment and honest that wreaks from a lifetime of living. The internal person within all of us has many secrets and undeniably many should not be shared – even with a spouse. Life tells us that even as intricately as we know a person – there is no real knowing anyone wholly but the self! Look how many stories about sinister ugliness that comes from people whose lives seemed full of integrity and honor. It seems that honesty is okay and accepted as long as the truth that we tell is as well. Being honest and the entire concept of honesty is bewildering at best.
Let’s talk about your spouse. Few spouses want to admit when their spouse annoys them to no end. Few will say that they look ugly, or blurt out for the sake of honesty that they just don’t turn them on the way they used to. Spouses don’t routinely share the innermost thoughts and desires that make up their daily mental chatter and few take the risk to answer questions honestly when they know their answer will hurt their loved one. Perhaps in some light all of this can be looked at as lying. There are white lies- the ones we tell to protect or save someone from something unnecessary and there are those lies that we tell others to protect ourselves from something we fear. Honesty and being honest with others has a lot to do with being real with ourselves. If we feel ashamed of our behavior or actions we lie…we lie to ourselves to make us feel better and we hide our wrong from the world. Millions of couples do this with each other and millions of couples survive marriages where love exists but honesty is chosen with care.
Being honest with your spouse is often about trust. There has to be a certain level of trust that by opening our mouths to speak the truth, we won’t close our heart or feel judged, ridiculed or humiliated by our spouse in any way. Since marriage enables us to understand and know our spouse a little better – we can often gauge their reaction before it happens. If we know our spouse is going to react badly, disagree or it is going to cause an argument it may be wise to speak the truth elsewhere. Of course marriage does call for us to be honest at most times; as it pertains to life’s responsibilities, our love for one another, commitment and long term goals. No spouse wants to suddenly realize that the other has been hiding $40 worth of debt. But in everyday life, honesty with our spouses may be over rated. Honesty with our selves on the other hand is vital for a fulfilled life!
Many spouses ask questions that they don’t want to know the answer to anyways. Does this make me look fat, do you think John’s wife is prettier than me, are you glad we got married, do you think it’s stupid that I go to the tanning bed, have you ever cheated on me, who is the best person in bed you have ever been with and a plethora of other stupid questions really don’t deserve honesty. In cases like this honesty serves no purpose. Other questions deserve honesty. How was your day, do you like your boss, can I get a new car, do we have money in the bank, are all the bills paid etc. are all examples of questions that deserve being honest with your spouse. The ancient proverb “if you really want honesty, don’t ask the questions you really don’t want the answer to” applies fully.
The difficulty in honesty is not just about being honest with other people. Humans are such a complex breed of thinkers that all the thoughts in our minds, feelings in our hearts are just not meant to be explained and spoken to anyone else. Not even our spouse. There is this preconceived notion that married couples spend countless hours talking and divulging their souls when in reality they spent countless hours figuring out how to be who they want to be and be a loving spouse without destroying either relationship. Millions of wives don’t tell their husbands they went shopping 3 days in a row, just like millions of husbands forget to mention the beer they had after work with co-workers. Would honesty make the relationship better or just throw more upon it to deal with? Have either of these fallacies broken a vow or destroyed love or commitment. Unequivocally no- but they may have saved an argument. If a person in their own right can maintain their integrity by not telling the truth than perhaps there is no lie. Marriage is not supposed to be an intrusion on our private moment or thoughts, rather a benefit to our often lone lives. We are married to make each other happier, better somehow – not to become another persons master or parent.
Being honest with your spouse gets easier and easier over time. In the beginning each partner has habits that drive the other crazy so they withhold the truth. Not lying really! Over time, when love persists and couples realize that they pretty much are going to be together forever; they begin to pay attention to their own lives again and do what they want anyway. In a way- this turns us back into honest people because no one is hiding anymore or overly worrying about being judged or ridiculed. Take me as I am, or don’t take me- either way I don’t care, seems to be the attitude. At this stage in a relationship, honesty comes easy because stupid questions and bogus expectations cease and couples slump back into a position of just being married, happy and content.
Dave Von Ronk coined honesty in it true form. He said “Honesty is the cruelest game of all, because not only can you hurt someone – and hurt them to the bone, you can feel self righteous about it at the same time.” In a marriage this will never work. Being honest with your spouse in essence is part of a healthy marriage; however maintaining respect for feelings and differences is also important. A marriage can survive through a web of irresponsible and silly white lies that in no way serve to tear apart the couple- but once the harsh truth is unleashed; the separation of hearts is expansive, irreversible and growing each day. Since truth changes often and is more likely in the eyes of the beholder- it may be good advice to sit on our eggs a while before hatching them. Especially with our spouses.
Forgiveness in Love and Relationships
February 26, 2010
Forgiveness in Love and Relationships
Marriage is intended to bring two people together; but there is no way to make two people happy or guarantee that is was the match made in heaven as it seemed at the time.
Every marriage at one point or another is going to face turmoil. Some situation, turn of events, harsh spoken words or actions will completely, knock one off their feet; leading to, anger, frustration and pain or any number of effects depending on the person.
It can be as monumental as infidelity or a little white lie or a pile of little white lies, and in order to get through it, – forgiveness is necessary, whatever the outcome you choose.
Letting go of hurts or wrongs is never easy and can be one of the most difficult things we may have to face in our relationship but if we do not let go we are the ones that feel the pain, while the other person may not even be aware, and we are torturing ourselves as they think they are the victim now they have been caught.
In a marriage or partnership the hurts can add up to a whole lot of pain that we are holding and we are the ones carrying the weight until we cannot take anymore and explode and possibly going beyond repair. With so much at stake including our health it leaves you wondering what it is we are holding onto by not allowing ourselves to forgive.
However, this is so easy to say; it depends on how we were raised, what were our examples, what did we see our parents put up with and what is our level of self worth?
So the question then moves onto how in the world we forgive someone for hurting us, especially someone who took a vow to love us and respect us? The first thing we do is go through the emotions of our pain, allow anger to turn to tears and wait a while for the tears to dry, then communicate our needs, wants and feelings to the person who hurt us. We can scream, yell and do whatever we need to do to help relieve the pain (more…)
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