How Do You Tell Your Partner About Your Sexual Abuse History

How To Talk to Your Partner About a Your Sexual Abuse History

Talking about sex is never easy but talking about your sexual past can put a relationship to the ultimate test, especially when you want to share something as difficult as sexual abuse.

However, it is an essential part of a new relationship; you need to share something as important as the sexual abuse you suffered as you may still be dealing with triggers and emotional as a result of what was done to you. First of all, is this a relationship you want to invest in? Do you trust this person enough to open up to? And if the answer is no, maybe this is something for you to evaluate before you stay in this partnership. If the answer is yes then move forward. 

If your new partner is a person you want to be with, then he or she will want to hear what you have to say and what will affect the relationship in many ways. It is an important step to protect your emotions and to share with your partner about a very influential part of your life. A few steps can help you talk about a sexual abuse history in a relationship.

Tell your partner you want to share something important with them and find a quiet time and place to be able to sit and talk to them. Be honest about your past, your feelings and how the abuse affected you and where you stand now with your history of abuse.

Share what triggers you have, if you still have any and how your partner can support you. Also know that your partner may be uncomfortable with what they are hearing, it is painful for others to hear and can even invoke anger as they come to know how you have been hurt. You may even get a response where your partner is also a survivor of abuse; with the statistics as high as they are it is quite a possible response to opening a conversation about sexual abuse. This can be several responses and any response can be normal.

Ask your partner how they feel when you share information of your past and allow your partner to ask questions. Explain you are telling them because you them about the history of sexual abuse in order for your partner to understand more about you and your thoughts, reactions about the sexual abuse.

When you allow your partner to ask questions you help your partner feel included create an atmosphere of trust in the relationship.

Remember that you were not at fault and you can make the conversation as short or as in depth as you want to or are comfortable with.

Give your partner some time to digest what they have heard and leave the door open for them to ask more questions or to share how they feel after what they you have shared with them. Often a partner may feel you are fragile and not sure how to approach sexual matters with them, help them understand what is acceptable to you and if there is anything that is not. If any relationship is  to survive honesty is essential so you may as well share sooner than late, then you can work through the relationship together.

Get Real and Stop Running After the Relationship Myth

Relationship just does not have one stage. There are many beginning from a crush or infatuation to a mature relationship that involves understanding friendship and a something that is deeper and more secure which is termed as mature love.

When you meet for the first time it is attraction and emotions that completely take over. You are completely involved in an excitement that sways you off your feet. The initial attraction completely takes over and you can’t see sense. You wait endlessly for this person. You call each other many times in a day and every word spoken by that special person has a lot of meaning. You feel as if there is some magic in the other person. You want to spend every breathing minute with that person. You adore everything they say or do and you always wait eagerly for the minute you will meet that person and time seems to fly when that person is around. You find everything they say or do interesting and exciting and you are ready to tolerate everything they do. When you make love it is full of magic and you just don’t want to hold back. You are confident that this person is your soul mate. You are head over heels in love. This is just the beginning of love, but when things get real you will want more from this relationship. Life is all about mundane chores, adjustments and getting on with life. You would like to develop this relationship into something that is deeper and mature something that sustains through life.It is important that you think about love in realistic terms and not this initial heady crush where everything is rosy. When love becomes mature and where the bond is very strong then the initial infatuation will definitely go. The attraction and spark will remain but it is not going to last forever. The heady intensity can’t be sustained always. Don’t think that just because the initial wild passion is no longer there then your love is over and you don’t love each other any more. If you think like this you will assume that you should now start looking for something new in your life. You may try to recreate the emotional high once again with somebody else. It is time you stop chasing love as it exists in romantic novels and try real love, which is more fulfilling.

Once you get to know your partner try becoming their friend. Friendship is the most solid foundation of love. Remember once the initial magic wears off mature relationship is what you have to build. Being a good friend is necessary when the differences between the relationship starts to show up. You may not agree on anything. You shouldn’t even expect that you will agree on everything. You are two completely different individuals and both are entitled to their view points on everything. If you are friends then you won’t try to change each other rather you will accept each others differences.

Become a good friend of your partner and treat them as you would treat a good friend. When you have arguments with your friends you have fights and then you let go but do the same with your spouse.

 Honesty is Key to  Growing Marriage

Being In Love – What Are The Risks?

Is falling in love risky? Strange question you might say. Is it possible for people to avoid falling in love out of fear of being hurt if it breaks up? It is indeed a risk, but one that you have to take, otherwise you will spend your whole life alone. Life is full of risks. You have to face risky situations at every corner of life. Even when you get up from bed you may stumble and fall down. There is no risk free zone in life.Being in an abusive relationship is though an altogether different story. It is a risk that will never pay off. In fact it is like taking oil out of a dry well. If you ever fall in love with an abusive person who takes advantage of your faith and feels that your love for him/her is a weakness then it is a risk. You will always suffer in that relationship. It is better to end that relationship. In fact the sooner you get rid of that relationship the better. Although it would be quite difficult in the beginning but later you will be happy that you broke it. Abusive relationships are a risk that you are better of not taking.

Falling in love and experiencing love is the most enriching thing in life. In fact it is said that, “it is better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all”. So do fall in love, don’t just sacrifice the experience of falling in love to stay risk free. Think about the good and happy relationships you know. Don’t listen to stories of emotional abuses, most people who are in such a relationship, choose that path consciously. Please remember that though you may not find many happy couples around you but those who are happy got there because they took risk.

One more risk that is associated with falling in love is that you may not be able to give 100% to your job. This is particularly true if you are involved in an office romance. To speak the language of profit and loss, try to analyze, whether the benefits of such a relationship are more or the loss is more. Is it likely to develop into something good or will it end up as a casual fling. Avoid constantly being together in the office. Keep the contact level professional. Largely depending on the way you behave at work you may earn the respect of your co-workers or you may get entangled in office gossip.

Another important point to consider is whether your partner is approved by your family and friends. If the person is not approved by your near and dear ones you might end up feeling alienated. If your families have a history that is similar to that of the Montagues and the Capulets then it is better that you think twice before involving yourself. Another point that you should take into account is whether you or your partner have children from previous relationships. If you consider all these factors into account then there is no reason why your love should not give you as much happiness as possible.

Dating

If we were to believe the movies, dating is either a cinch—the person of your dreams walks in, you’re instantly intrigued, you flirt expertly while the steam and the background music rise, and you’re off to a beautiful, romantic, sexy beginning—or a disaster, as in the Mr. Goodbar girl-meets-killer or Fatal Attraction boy-meets-lunatic scenarios.

Real-life dating actually falls in the enormous middle ground between these two fantasies. It’s not a snap, it takes some work, but, with some inside information, it can be done right, and it can lead to lots of fun times and dating success. What makes the difference, is understanding what the potential problems of dating are, and knowing the skills to overcome, accept or reject  those problems tactfully when they arise, and they will when you meet a new person.

All of the What If’s?

If you were a movie character, you’d be sure of yourself, clear on what you want, beautifully turned out, and ready to go. But, you’re you—a human being, with some confusion, some doubts, and some insecurity, like all the rest of us.

 Do research before you go out looking for places to meet people, just as you would in shopping for a new computer or appliance. Ask your friends for recommendations, call for information, and look in local newspapers for resources, so you know where you want to go, the hours, the open days, what to wear, and what’s likely to happen before you waste time acting on wrong

When you sincerely prepare to date, and think about what to do first, you’re probably going to have some quibbles—things you give yourself a hard time about—and some waffles—things you can’t decide about. The most common fall into four categories:

1. I’m not ready

These are all the reasons you cook up

• I’m not emotionally healed from my last experience.
• I haven’t a thing to wear!
• I don’t know how to: talk, flirt, behave, stay safe.
• I have to lose some weight, grow some hair, get a nose job, get my Ph.D….
• I don’t have any time.
• How will I know if this is the right person for me? and so many other questions
• And the try this you just won’t know, the relationship will unfold as it is meant to or mot and either way that is ok, the worse that can happen you made a new acquaintance and had lunch or a walk together, and even made a new friend.

 All of these quibbles are just excuses for not getting started, not good, solid reasons. If you are still hurting from your last experience, you may want to attend therapy, but you can still go out and begin meeting new people. Dating, as we present it here, is not an instant process, and going through the process can be part of your healing process.

While looking your best is indeed an important part of dating, excuses about clothing, weight, hair, and other aspects of your appearance are not a reason to postpone dating. Actually, getting your appearance together is one of the first steps toward dating. If you are insecure about dating behavior, flirting, and so on, learning how to do that, too, is an excellent beginning toward dating.

If your schedule is so busy that you cannot manage an evening a week, or some weekend time during which to date, you have some organizing to do in your life to be prepared to have a dating relationship. As you’ll see, meeting new people and dating can be integrated into things you already do, and you can organize your life so you’ll have enough spare time.

As my life goes on my emotions change from day to day, one day being in a relationship feels so right and then next I long for the freedom to go and do whatever I want.

To travel to India and live in total bliss or fly off with Dr’s without Borders and do something to help those I see suffer and in need.

Now having a grown independent son and lost my youngest, I feel my life is torn more than ever. I have a husband that loves and lives for me, which to some is wonderful but is a great responsibility to know someone depends on you so much, four dogs I adore and family I am very close to but yet I feel that time is passing and I must start doing something or I shall be left behind.

How many of us run this rollacoaster, from living the responsible and caring life to the one longing for freedom. How much are we to give in to. I am not suggesting we leave our families, but we need to find ways to fill the needs we have, even in a smallest way until the time is ours to take the bigger leaps.

Where would you be, what would you be doing if time was on your side or when you do have the time?

I urge you to at least look at your life and come up with a plan, if you want to learn to dance for one day you will Tango in Argentina, take lessons now, if you want to become a photographer to pay your way for travel begin now.

Because if we do not practice what we want for the future, we will not suddenly begin doing what we want in the future.

I ask you to create a list of 20 things you will work towards and take steps to enroll in those classes with or without your partner, you never know where life will take you or what curve balls life will throw, so live.

Begin now, I have started my list to share, there maybe a few ideas, some may be dreams, but dreams must start somewhere.
Meditate in India, live in Mexico for 6 months, learn to speak Spanish, take dancing lessons, travel alone to Greece, Spain and Portugal. Teach English in an orphanage, learn to scuba dive, ride a horse across the ocean.

To sing, the scariest thing on my list; and yet the on I must do the most, so let me tell you it maybe not easy but there are some things we must do to feel alive.

The rollacoaster will keep coming at you but be ready to take at east some for a ride.

Planning The Dream Honeymoon, shall it be tropical, A Cruise or a Romantic get a Way for Two

A honeymoon is the romantic beginning of a new marriage– a second honeymoon energizes an existing marriage.  Some couples take a second honeymoon after a marriage vow renewal ceremony.  With thoughtful planning, you and your partner will enjoy a special outing that will provide the right mix of what you both find romantic..whether it be  relaxation, fun, adventure, fine dining, or dancing etc.

Here are some planning tips:

•  Book before or after peak seasons, unless you don’t mind crowds.
•  Plan and book well in advance ( booking might be last minute if you decide to save money this way, but you    can still look at destinations and activities in advance).
• Choose a reasonable budget that will not weigh you down in the future.
•  Plan together to ensure a special time you will both enjoy.
•  Look up reviews and information about your destination, accommodation and activities to ensure that they are good enough for your special occasion.
• Go to the Forum discussion group on this website to get or share tips about honeymoon planning.

There are a myriad of books available form one company at a great price; and provide quality information just in time to come to the rescue.

I urge you to check out this company I have found reseaach the book you need or instant DVD dowmload and get started on your relationship now. It;s never too late to get the help you need.

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 Mother In Law or Monster In Law?

Monster In law

If you find the wedding is a difficult time you may find that other issues are bought up such as past relationships, weddings and stressful situations can bring out the worse in people, or the best, you may be suprised. I have known of people who adore their in laws, so we are talking worse case scenario.

For some people, how much in-laws contribute to the wedding is the least of the problems. A critical mother-in-law or a flirtatious father-in-law poses a much larger problem.  

So what are you going to do when his overbearing mother makes another offhand comment about how great his ex-girlfriend was. Or tells you how well she got alomg with her, “she is such a sweetheart” and, I wonder what happened to her? Or if mother makes a below-the-belt comment about marrying into the wrong type of family?

It sort of reminds me of the movie “Monster In Law, with Jennifer Lopes and Jane Fonda.Naturally, the grin-and-beat-it method is the first to come to mind, but that can only work for so long, so you have to tell her obviously your son was not happy with her and that is why they are not together. Reassure her youare together for a reason and you love each other, and you hope she is happy that he is happy and that  is the most important thing.

Hopefully your fiancee will realize what’s going on and stand up for you. Sometimes, though, men don’t realize how hurtful these statements are to his future wife, especially if his mother has been speaking like that his entire life. If that’s the case, sit down and have a heart to heart with your fiancee. Don’t be accusatory and under no circumstances should you start insulting his family, you want a happy relationship with all of you and one day you will most likely have children and also for the sake of the children and your future together you wnat to make this work.

After all you have a lifetime together and a lot of experiences thay are going to go through. Just explain why you’re hurt, and that you’d appreciate if he’d speak to his parents about what he has noticed and respecting you as a new member of their familymeans so much to him. The same situation should happen if you have a crude or inappropriate father-in-law, and I have know of situations like this and under no circumastance shuld you be taking abuse or dealing with inappropriate behaviour from him. That needs to be stopped right away or it will continue and can progressively get worse.

What makes a marriage work?  I’ve been thinking about this topic quite a bit lately and made a few contributions to the Forum on this website.  Many different styles of marriage work.  People have different ways of making a happy life together.  Being compatible is a good start, but is not enough.  I propose that that these key ingredients promote a happy marriage:

 -          Each person has qualities that allow them to get along with another person, such as emotional maturity, sense of humor, kindness, flexibility, and spiritual mindedness.

-          Each person is honest and committed to the success of the relationship and the happiness of the other person.

-          Each person, as an individual, is able to find a happy path in life and to navigate its disappointments and tragedies.

-          The couple finds a way to bring their lives together in a happy way, being able to work through conflicts; and share fun, responsibilities, quiet moments, sexual intimacy, and casual conversation.

-          The couple is supported by a community of family and/or friends.