How Do You Tell Your Partner About Your Sexual Abuse History

How To Talk to Your Partner About a Your Sexual Abuse History

Talking about sex is never easy but talking about your sexual past can put a relationship to the ultimate test, especially when you want to share something as difficult as sexual abuse.

However, it is an essential part of a new relationship; you need to share something as important as the sexual abuse you suffered as you may still be dealing with triggers and emotional as a result of what was done to you. First of all, is this a relationship you want to invest in? Do you trust this person enough to open up to? And if the answer is no, maybe this is something for you to evaluate before you stay in this partnership. If the answer is yes then move forward. 

If your new partner is a person you want to be with, then he or she will want to hear what you have to say and what will affect the relationship in many ways. It is an important step to protect your emotions and to share with your partner about a very influential part of your life. A few steps can help you talk about a sexual abuse history in a relationship.

Tell your partner you want to share something important with them and find a quiet time and place to be able to sit and talk to them. Be honest about your past, your feelings and how the abuse affected you and where you stand now with your history of abuse.

Share what triggers you have, if you still have any and how your partner can support you. Also know that your partner may be uncomfortable with what they are hearing, it is painful for others to hear and can even invoke anger as they come to know how you have been hurt. You may even get a response where your partner is also a survivor of abuse; with the statistics as high as they are it is quite a possible response to opening a conversation about sexual abuse. This can be several responses and any response can be normal.

Ask your partner how they feel when you share information of your past and allow your partner to ask questions. Explain you are telling them because you them about the history of sexual abuse in order for your partner to understand more about you and your thoughts, reactions about the sexual abuse.

When you allow your partner to ask questions you help your partner feel included create an atmosphere of trust in the relationship.

Remember that you were not at fault and you can make the conversation as short or as in depth as you want to or are comfortable with.

Give your partner some time to digest what they have heard and leave the door open for them to ask more questions or to share how they feel after what they you have shared with them. Often a partner may feel you are fragile and not sure how to approach sexual matters with them, help them understand what is acceptable to you and if there is anything that is not. If any relationship is  to survive honesty is essential so you may as well share sooner than late, then you can work through the relationship together.

Get Real and Stop Running After the Relationship Myth

Relationship just does not have one stage. There are many beginning from a crush or infatuation to a mature relationship that involves understanding friendship and a something that is deeper and more secure which is termed as mature love.

When you meet for the first time it is attraction and emotions that completely take over. You are completely involved in an excitement that sways you off your feet. The initial attraction completely takes over and you can’t see sense. You wait endlessly for this person. You call each other many times in a day and every word spoken by that special person has a lot of meaning. You feel as if there is some magic in the other person. You want to spend every breathing minute with that person. You adore everything they say or do and you always wait eagerly for the minute you will meet that person and time seems to fly when that person is around. You find everything they say or do interesting and exciting and you are ready to tolerate everything they do. When you make love it is full of magic and you just don’t want to hold back. You are confident that this person is your soul mate. You are head over heels in love. This is just the beginning of love, but when things get real you will want more from this relationship. Life is all about mundane chores, adjustments and getting on with life. You would like to develop this relationship into something that is deeper and mature something that sustains through life.It is important that you think about love in realistic terms and not this initial heady crush where everything is rosy. When love becomes mature and where the bond is very strong then the initial infatuation will definitely go. The attraction and spark will remain but it is not going to last forever. The heady intensity can’t be sustained always. Don’t think that just because the initial wild passion is no longer there then your love is over and you don’t love each other any more. If you think like this you will assume that you should now start looking for something new in your life. You may try to recreate the emotional high once again with somebody else. It is time you stop chasing love as it exists in romantic novels and try real love, which is more fulfilling.

Once you get to know your partner try becoming their friend. Friendship is the most solid foundation of love. Remember once the initial magic wears off mature relationship is what you have to build. Being a good friend is necessary when the differences between the relationship starts to show up. You may not agree on anything. You shouldn’t even expect that you will agree on everything. You are two completely different individuals and both are entitled to their view points on everything. If you are friends then you won’t try to change each other rather you will accept each others differences.

Become a good friend of your partner and treat them as you would treat a good friend. When you have arguments with your friends you have fights and then you let go but do the same with your spouse.

 Honesty is Key to  Growing Marriage

Being In Love – What Are The Risks?

Is falling in love risky? Strange question you might say. Is it possible for people to avoid falling in love out of fear of being hurt if it breaks up? It is indeed a risk, but one that you have to take, otherwise you will spend your whole life alone. Life is full of risks. You have to face risky situations at every corner of life. Even when you get up from bed you may stumble and fall down. There is no risk free zone in life.Being in an abusive relationship is though an altogether different story. It is a risk that will never pay off. In fact it is like taking oil out of a dry well. If you ever fall in love with an abusive person who takes advantage of your faith and feels that your love for him/her is a weakness then it is a risk. You will always suffer in that relationship. It is better to end that relationship. In fact the sooner you get rid of that relationship the better. Although it would be quite difficult in the beginning but later you will be happy that you broke it. Abusive relationships are a risk that you are better of not taking.

Falling in love and experiencing love is the most enriching thing in life. In fact it is said that, “it is better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all”. So do fall in love, don’t just sacrifice the experience of falling in love to stay risk free. Think about the good and happy relationships you know. Don’t listen to stories of emotional abuses, most people who are in such a relationship, choose that path consciously. Please remember that though you may not find many happy couples around you but those who are happy got there because they took risk.

One more risk that is associated with falling in love is that you may not be able to give 100% to your job. This is particularly true if you are involved in an office romance. To speak the language of profit and loss, try to analyze, whether the benefits of such a relationship are more or the loss is more. Is it likely to develop into something good or will it end up as a casual fling. Avoid constantly being together in the office. Keep the contact level professional. Largely depending on the way you behave at work you may earn the respect of your co-workers or you may get entangled in office gossip.

Another important point to consider is whether your partner is approved by your family and friends. If the person is not approved by your near and dear ones you might end up feeling alienated. If your families have a history that is similar to that of the Montagues and the Capulets then it is better that you think twice before involving yourself. Another point that you should take into account is whether you or your partner have children from previous relationships. If you consider all these factors into account then there is no reason why your love should not give you as much happiness as possible.

Dating

If we were to believe the movies, dating is either a cinch—the person of your dreams walks in, you’re instantly intrigued, you flirt expertly while the steam and the background music rise, and you’re off to a beautiful, romantic, sexy beginning—or a disaster, as in the Mr. Goodbar girl-meets-killer or Fatal Attraction boy-meets-lunatic scenarios.

Real-life dating actually falls in the enormous middle ground between these two fantasies. It’s not a snap, it takes some work, but, with some inside information, it can be done right, and it can lead to lots of fun times and dating success. What makes the difference, is understanding what the potential problems of dating are, and knowing the skills to overcome, accept or reject  those problems tactfully when they arise, and they will when you meet a new person.

All of the What If’s?

If you were a movie character, you’d be sure of yourself, clear on what you want, beautifully turned out, and ready to go. But, you’re you—a human being, with some confusion, some doubts, and some insecurity, like all the rest of us.

 Do research before you go out looking for places to meet people, just as you would in shopping for a new computer or appliance. Ask your friends for recommendations, call for information, and look in local newspapers for resources, so you know where you want to go, the hours, the open days, what to wear, and what’s likely to happen before you waste time acting on wrong

When you sincerely prepare to date, and think about what to do first, you’re probably going to have some quibbles—things you give yourself a hard time about—and some waffles—things you can’t decide about. The most common fall into four categories:

1. I’m not ready

These are all the reasons you cook up

• I’m not emotionally healed from my last experience.
• I haven’t a thing to wear!
• I don’t know how to: talk, flirt, behave, stay safe.
• I have to lose some weight, grow some hair, get a nose job, get my Ph.D….
• I don’t have any time.
• How will I know if this is the right person for me? and so many other questions
• And the try this you just won’t know, the relationship will unfold as it is meant to or mot and either way that is ok, the worse that can happen you made a new acquaintance and had lunch or a walk together, and even made a new friend.

 All of these quibbles are just excuses for not getting started, not good, solid reasons. If you are still hurting from your last experience, you may want to attend therapy, but you can still go out and begin meeting new people. Dating, as we present it here, is not an instant process, and going through the process can be part of your healing process.

While looking your best is indeed an important part of dating, excuses about clothing, weight, hair, and other aspects of your appearance are not a reason to postpone dating. Actually, getting your appearance together is one of the first steps toward dating. If you are insecure about dating behavior, flirting, and so on, learning how to do that, too, is an excellent beginning toward dating.

If your schedule is so busy that you cannot manage an evening a week, or some weekend time during which to date, you have some organizing to do in your life to be prepared to have a dating relationship. As you’ll see, meeting new people and dating can be integrated into things you already do, and you can organize your life so you’ll have enough spare time.

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Nothing Is Ever Perfect But Ee Can Resolve Conflict In A Tacful Manner

Some people would say that a couple’s ability to handle  marital conflict determines the fate of their relationship.  I tend to agree.  Conflict is a normal part of life.  If people bury it, it festers and kills romantic feelings.  If conflict is handled in a way that people hurt each other with insensitivity, rigidity, threats or insults—feelings of love are deadened.  Here are my quick tips for dealing with marriage conflict:

 -         Don’t ignore it.  Try to avoid going to bed with anger or hurt.

-          Be prepared to absorb the blame and to say “I’m sorry”.  In reality each person is at fault but it is so much easier to see the other person’s shortcomings.  If each person focuses on his or her part, there is a greater opportunity for understanding.

-          Maintain a sense of perspective.  How serious will the situation seem one week from now or one year from now?

-          Understand where your feelings are coming from, but also try to put yourself in your partner’s shoes.

-          Avoid hurtful words and threats at all cost.

The Challenges Are Worth the Growing Pains

Not every couple begins with 1+1= you and me.  Sometimes we find the ones we love while emerging from other relationships.  Today there are large numbers of couples coming together who have already started families and have children with previous partners.  So don’t let the math stop you. Most of the time, you will be able to use what you know from the previous relationship as a foundation and to add a better dimension to the new one.
The dating scene can be hard enough for singles, but today the single mom or dad have several options for locating others who understand that situation.  Special groups and organizations across the country exist to help locate singles or single parents and bring them together.

Okay, so now you are looking in the right place and you feel good about the new prospects. Have you discussed this with your kids? Maybe they are not old enough to understand and that’s ok; but if they are of an appropriate age, the considerate thing to do is to make some time for them and get their feedback.  Ask them how they feel about Mom or Dad dating again.  Do they have any questions?  Most of the time you won’t get much response, but you have to put it out there.  They will more than likely have some sort of opinion and it may tend to be that they want you to be back with their other parent again. It’s normal for them to feel that way so assure them the best way you can, either by further conversations or bringing in the other parent to help them understand it, that moving on is just part of the circumstances. Stepping away from a family relationship is not easy on anyone.  But be responsible and let them know the truth.
So how does 1+1 successfully make 3 (or more)?  From my experience, it is possible with younger children as they haven’t had the years of attachment to the “other” parent. But make sure that even the older children understand sometimes things don’t work out between people, that they are not at fault, but it is what it is.  So once you feel you have a good connection with someone, find something that most if not all of you would enjoy doing: going to the park, the zoo, hiking, or maybe just a barbeque. This will be your time to see how the children interact and give you a chance to talk to all of them about how they feel. It may take a few of these outings to get a real feel for it, so take your time—there’s no need to rush.
When my wife and I got together, she had a 6-year-old and a 2-year-old.  I made sure (as soon as we knew they were ready) to sit them down and tell them, “I’m here because I love your mom, and we want to be together.  I’m not taking your father’s place, but I will be here if you need me.” I never told them to call me “Dad”, but they both did on their own and that makes me very happy. They’re now grown and I have never regretted anything about blending our families. So, take it from me: It can be done and in some cases very enjoyably, but I feel that it takes consideration and respect for each member of the family to truly make blended families work.

The sadness is there but to overcome in an important part of growing

An intimate relationship does not banish loneliness. Only when we are comfortable with who we are, can we truly function independently in a healthy way, can we truly function within a relationship. Two halves do not make a whole when it comes to a healthy relationship: it takes two wholes. ~ Patricia Fry

Making it as a couple requires us to understand that it takes teamwork and togetherness to make it through the tough times so that together we can also enjoy the good times.  Being a loving couple has more to do with how you do things for each other than it does about doing things for yourself.  I believe one of the biggest hurdles any couple has to get over is putting their own wants and needs aside and working together instead.  Being selfless can be a very difficult thing if a person has been trained either by parents at home or mentors in business to practice the “take care of yourself first” mindset.  In a relationship, there has to be a concerted effort to reject that habit—to learn to band together.  It’s certainly true that we are much more together than we can ever be apart.
However, it is a double-edged blade and one I had to balance on many years ago.  The woman I was married to at the time and my eldest sister had become friends while I was overseas with the military.  It was nice to know they had found common ground—the love they both had for me.  Several weeks after arriving home, I had gone off base to visit my wife and enjoy some home time.  When my sister shared some uncomfortable news with me involving inappropriate behavior by my wife while I was away, I had to confront my wife. But this caused a huge rift between the two loved ones in my life. I was now in the middle of their fight and it appeared that I had to choose between them!  We all felt betrayed and I had to sort it all out.  My gut told me to retreat to the safety of my sister’s side; she could only have my best interest at heart. But my heart reminded me of my commitment and as a couple I knew we would have to figure it out.  I hated every second of it and it hurt to see my sister’s face when I told her I had to stay and work through it.  It was a marriage thing, and had to be done that way. 
I still have my sister, but I am no longer married to that woman and, as painful as it was, I feel I did the right thing in choosing my marriage instead of my sister.  It wouldn’t have been less painful, but these are the situations that can tear a family apart and I had to trust that my sister would eventually understand. So knowing when it is over is invaluable—to both people in the relationship. But how do you generate the confidence to make that decision?
It has been said that we cannot love others until we first know how to love ourselves. How else will we know how being properly loved really feels? We do ourselves and our partners a great service when we understand that no one person is here to be our sole provider. We need to get to know ourselves and love ourselves and be able to entertain and be happy with ourselves rather than depending on someone else to fulfill that in us. With that pressure off, we can truly enjoy the relationship before us by seeing the person for who they are and not what they can provide for us. Having these elements in place in a relationship can also give us the confidence to recognize when it is over because they eliminate any dependency issues that could influence the situation.

-Uttara Manohar ;Relationships are a source of fulfilling companionship, inspiration, joy and every other emotion that brings meaning to the journey of life. Relationships are about how two people can maintain their individuality, grow together and yet cherish the subtle differences in their personalities. – Kahlil Gibran. [is this by Gibran or Manohar?  If you want to keep it, just Google a key portion of it, then capture the work it appears in—name of publication or website, location in the work, year, and authors. EX: I googled “every other emotion that brings meaning to the journey of life” and found it as written by Uttara Manohar in an article called “Relationship Compatibility Questions” dated 4/23/08 on a webpage of Buzzle.com. I would cite and reference this as follows:
Relationships are a source of fulfilling companionship, inspiration, joy and every other emotion that brings meaning to the journey of life. Relationships are about how two people can maintain their individuality, grow together and yet cherish the subtle differences in their personalities (Mandohar, 2008).
Mandohar, U. (2008). Relationship compatibility questions. Retrieved October 3, 2009, from http://www.buzzle.com/articles/relationship-compatibility-questions.html

How to Win With Your In Laws

Creating  Healthy Relationship with Your Inlaws

At some point, in most relationships you are going to have to meet the dreaded “IN-LAWS”.  Why are they so feared? What to do about getting past them and earning their approval?  For this article, we will presume your relationship has been taken to the next step: The dating has gone well enough that he / she has proposed and you’ve accepted.  Now you have to make an effort to get to know the other side. Most of the time, the bond builds between partners and the future in-laws during the dating cycle so the transition isn’t that hard to make. But there are those relationships where the family isn’t geographically close enough to encourage visits, so there’s little time to achieve that one-on-one time needed to bond.Take advantage of the time you have with your partner to ask questions and learn more about the possible in-laws—their views on life, how they spend their free time, any pursuits they may have together or individually.  You need this information for a few reasons:  During conversations for instance, one great icebreaker is to ask how the in-laws’ garden, golf game, church group, etc. is progressing.  Don’t just inquire, but be informed and be ready to ask real questions; Have concerns or a point to make.  This is twofold; it shows you have a genuine desire to learn about them, and it gives them a little insight as to who you are by the fact that you took time to learn about their projects /hobbies.  Sometimes finding common ground isn’t easy, so knowing a little something can help.  Consequently, never fake an interest in someone; this will be seen as deceptive and will defeat the purpose in fostering a bond.
Remember, your goal is to win approval for the future, so it is wise to build relationships with potential in-laws while building one with your partner.  Think of it as expanding your network of friends.  The other side of this is to let the in-laws learn more about your individual interests as well as interests you and your partner pursue together.  Let them know the things you enjoy and even the things you don’t, but be sensitive as you don’t want to hurt feelings (because not everyone shares the same interests, views, or opinions).  At times, in the early stages of a relationship, you may go overboard and reveal too much about yourself. Some things are not meant to be shared (at least not early on), so be aware of this and don’t be afraid to talk with your significant other about what topics to avoid. This could save a demoralizing trip down “Memory Lane” at your partner’s expense.
In-laws are not “the enemy”; they are hopefully going to be part of your extended family. They should always be treated with respect and in time you will have earned their trust if you have been truthful and forthright in your communications.  They are one more piece in the puzzle of a loving couple’s relationship.