For Loving Couples

The sadness is there but to overcome in an important part of growing

An intimate relationship does not banish loneliness. Only when we are comfortable with who we are, can we truly function independently in a healthy way, can we truly function within a relationship. Two halves do not make a whole when it comes to a healthy relationship: it takes two wholes. ~ Patricia Fry

Making it as a couple requires us to understand that it takes teamwork and togetherness to make it through the tough times so that together we can also enjoy the good times.  Being a loving couple has more to do with how you do things for each other than it does about doing things for yourself.  I believe one of the biggest hurdles any couple has to get over is putting their own wants and needs aside and working together instead.  Being selfless can be a very difficult thing if a person has been trained either by parents at home or mentors in business to practice the “take care of yourself first” mindset.  In a relationship, there has to be a concerted effort to reject that habit—to learn to band together.  It’s certainly true that we are much more together than we can ever be apart.
However, it is a double-edged blade and one I had to balance on many years ago.  The woman I was married to at the time and my eldest sister had become friends while I was overseas with the military.  It was nice to know they had found common ground—the love they both had for me.  Several weeks after arriving home, I had gone off base to visit my wife and enjoy some home time.  When my sister shared some uncomfortable news with me involving inappropriate behavior by my wife while I was away, I had to confront my wife. But this caused a huge rift between the two loved ones in my life. I was now in the middle of their fight and it appeared that I had to choose between them!  We all felt betrayed and I had to sort it all out.  My gut told me to retreat to the safety of my sister’s side; she could only have my best interest at heart. But my heart reminded me of my commitment and as a couple I knew we would have to figure it out.  I hated every second of it and it hurt to see my sister’s face when I told her I had to stay and work through it.  It was a marriage thing, and had to be done that way. 
I still have my sister, but I am no longer married to that woman and, as painful as it was, I feel I did the right thing in choosing my marriage instead of my sister.  It wouldn’t have been less painful, but these are the situations that can tear a family apart and I had to trust that my sister would eventually understand. So knowing when it is over is invaluable—to both people in the relationship. But how do you generate the confidence to make that decision?
It has been said that we cannot love others until we first know how to love ourselves. How else will we know how being properly loved really feels? We do ourselves and our partners a great service when we understand that no one person is here to be our sole provider. We need to get to know ourselves and love ourselves and be able to entertain and be happy with ourselves rather than depending on someone else to fulfill that in us. With that pressure off, we can truly enjoy the relationship before us by seeing the person for who they are and not what they can provide for us. Having these elements in place in a relationship can also give us the confidence to recognize when it is over because they eliminate any dependency issues that could influence the situation.

-Uttara Manohar ;Relationships are a source of fulfilling companionship, inspiration, joy and every other emotion that brings meaning to the journey of life. Relationships are about how two people can maintain their individuality, grow together and yet cherish the subtle differences in their personalities. – Kahlil Gibran. [is this by Gibran or Manohar?  If you want to keep it, just Google a key portion of it, then capture the work it appears in—name of publication or website, location in the work, year, and authors. EX: I googled “every other emotion that brings meaning to the journey of life” and found it as written by Uttara Manohar in an article called “Relationship Compatibility Questions” dated 4/23/08 on a webpage of Buzzle.com. I would cite and reference this as follows:
Relationships are a source of fulfilling companionship, inspiration, joy and every other emotion that brings meaning to the journey of life. Relationships are about how two people can maintain their individuality, grow together and yet cherish the subtle differences in their personalities (Mandohar, 2008).
Mandohar, U. (2008). Relationship compatibility questions. Retrieved October 3, 2009, from http://www.buzzle.com/articles/relationship-compatibility-questions.html