Keeping it Real(istic)
ByKeeping it Real(istic)
There is nothing as exciting as all of the emotions that go along with a new relationship. Moments such as the first kiss and the first time you say (and hear) the words “I love you” can bring feelings of euphoria that are hard to match. Another feature of a new relationship is that both parties tend to be on their very best behavior. They are showing the other person only the very parts of themselves. It’s natural, and everyone does it. The problem is that some people fall into the trap of believing that the relationship is always going to be as exciting and magical as it is at the beginning.
If you ask anyone who has been married for any length of time, they will likely tell you that is not the case. Instead, the best behavior morphs into every day behavior. Socks are left on the floor, you realize that your partner is a total grump in the morning, a birthday may be forgotten. Instead of being surprised when your partner shows his or her human side, expect it. It’s going to happen.
If you expect your partner to be human, with the flaws and shortcomings that each of us has, then when it happens (and it will happen often!) you’ll be able to look at it for what it is instead of taking it personally.
Even though that person may be the perfect person for you, they will still have bad days and make mistakes. When that happens, don’t let it come between you. Learn to laugh off the small problems and work together to heal and repair the bigger ones. When your partner does something that you don’t like, ask yourself how you would want to be treated if the shoe were on the other foot. It’s a guarantee that you are or will also do things that your partner doesn’t like. Would you want to be harshly judged for those actions, or would you want your partner to be understanding towards you?
By not having impossible expectations for your partner will let him or her know that it’s ok to just be themselves. They won’t feel pressure to perform up to a set of standards that anyone would have trouble reaching. Instead, they will know that in your presence is the one place in the world where it is ok to just be who they are, flaws and all. Over time, this will only make them love you more. Keep your expectations of your partner realistic, and ask your partner to do the same for you. Remember, it’s impossible to live up to the image of the perfect man or woman for very long.
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“Keep your expectations realistic and ask your partner to do the same for you”. This advice is good for me. Some of us, including myself, get caught up in expecting our partner to be consistently loving, devoted, attentive and patient in a way that is not really human. Somehow it is easier to overlook imperfections in others, than it is to overlook our partner’s shortcomings.
As a woman, part of the process for me has been raising my expectations and expressing my needs more assertively. However this at times has made me go overboard and expect too much. After all, we all have bad days, stress, exhaustion, distractions, worries, and even faults, such as a touch of self-centeredness. If there isn’t room for humanness and imperfection, the spark in a marriage may die.